Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Beware of Rogue Pretzels


The other day, while reclining atop a hotel room bed, reading a magazine, I was attacked by a rogue pretzel. What, you may be asking yourself, was I doing eating pretzels on a hotel room bed? Well, I was attempting to embrace and enjoy a rare respite from the madness otherwise known as “my life,” that’s what. Happily trying to catch up on two month’s worth of magazines, giddily avoiding my laptop, while shamelessly engaging in a rare caloric activity—namely shoveling empty calories of fun into my normally dietary-rigid mouth.

Perhaps that had something to do with this recalcitrant pretzel’s sneak attack—my rustiness in the simple art of consuming snack foods. You see, I am a total health nut freak (recently I was slightly taken aback by a comment left on one of my posts that described me as a “health nut,” until I sat back and thought about that word and realized, without a doubt, that, hey, I am a health nut! And that’s a good thing). I rarely allow myself the pleasure of consuming snacks (like pretzels or potato chips—a HUGE snacking vice for me, by the way). But on occasion, and this was one of those (being on vacation), I cut myself a break and indulge in some salty treat…and it ended up not biting me in the backside, but stabbing me in the mouth.

Here’s what happened: I was methodically cramming pretzel after pretzel into my seemingly insatiable maw, stick pretzels (my favorites are Snyder’s), you know the kind I mean, when one snapped in half, flipped up on to one end, and impaled itself into the roof of my mouth. Okay, maybe not impaled, but definitely jabbed, gouged, stabbed, shived, bayoneted, knifed, poked—name your bloody word! Because there was blood, lots of blood!

Needless to say, the elation of my pretzel pig-out was immediately and sadly cut short—as if the God of Nutrition had decided that he had seen enough, and reached his hand into my masticating mouth and manipulated a half-chewed pretzel into attention and to use as a weapon, thus putting an end to this empty-caloric nonsense.

Tossing the offending junk food bag into the corner of the hotel room, I hurried to the bathroom sink and rinsed and relieved my mouth of blood and all starchy remnants. I probed and stuffed balls of moistened tissue into my throbbing mouth until, after almost an hour’s battle, the bleeding subsided, leaving me with a very sore palate, and zero desire to indulge in any salty, crunchy foods for the rest of this decade.

This harrowing brush with death (okay, maybe not my death, but at least the death of desire for a pretzel, once one of my few remaining guilty pleasures) left me pondering my lot in life, and reminded me of a similar incident, years ago, that involved our infamous lame duck resident of the White House. You remember, right? While eating pretzels and watching football on TV, good old George W. fainted and fell face first into oval office carpeting. Left with a bruised cheek and ego, he joked about it later, saying, “If my mother is listening, mother, I should have listened to you: Always chew your pretzels before you swallow.”

Wow, me and the Prez. Some may be thinking: it couldn't have happened to two nicer guys…or something along those lines.

Better yet, the lesson I learned from all this is one I have been shouting from the rooftops for years and years, and that is:

JUNK FOOD KILLS!

…or at least attacks and maims.

As always, you can enjoy my variety of humor, music, self-help, how-to, inspirational, and personal development videos at my website, livelife365.com.

Here's a new, very short one that may tickle your funny bone. Enjoy!


Until next time…

peace,

Mike

18 comments:

Eric S. said...

Now there's even more danger in junk food. I have to apologize, for I did have a good laugh at your expense. The thing is, I could picture it happening, as if in a distant memory.

Mike said...

Not to worry, Eric, it is meant to be laughed at.

peace,
Mike

HEALTH NUT WANNABEE MOM said...

I am sorry to laugh but the way that you described the pretzel incident was hysterical. I hope everything is okay.

John Sullivan said...

Mike
Get you a big bag of pretzels and a jug of that french onion dip,cause I have seen plenty of people cheat themselves out of life's pleasures to die in their early 50's.Yes it is great to take care of yourself no doubt but with the uncertainty of life I'm having a steak,potatoes and a huge glass of highly sweeten tea and corn on the cob for the health factor;)Seriously I really do appreciate your writing and it does help me.Thanks

john b said...

I hate it when that happens. I had one of those vicious critters get wedged between my tooth and gum. Ouch! I feel your pain brother!

Jenn said...

Oh my gosh that is funny. See, this is why I stick to the less dangerous vices like ice cream...nobody ever got stabbed by ice cream.

rebecca said...

Wow, I'm going to be REALLY careful next time I guiltlessly devour those organic-sea-salted-gluten-free pretzels I love. Oh yeah, they're the round ones, do you think they are safer?
Love your style of writing, Mike!

Dr. Nicole said...

This is hilarious! I thought junk food only caused chronic disease until today. Too bad you didn't go to the ER and report that you had a near death incident with a pretzel and need someone to suture your mouth. I would have loved to see the look on the face of the ER doc. But, actually they have heard worse than that.

Jennifer said...

Mike, What's up with these people laughing? JK I laughed to, but I also cringed in pain. I've had that happen before, although I don't believe mine was as severe as yours. I can tell you this though - it sure does hurt. I've also had it happen with one end of a Dorrito. That doesn't feel too good either. :l

timethief said...

WOw! Your blog is such a wonderful contrast to my blogging tips blog. It's an outstanding example of quality content, not to mention, a creative writer's gift for the craft.

You had me rotflmao and now I've read DocNicole's comment so I'm laughing all over again.

I'm so happy I had friends who made me aware of your blog. :-)

"Δημήτριος ο Ταξιδευτής" said...

it was so good, I have had a good laugh...

"Δημήτριος ο Ταξιδευτής" said...

also I link it adding and few photos

wildcatsthree said...

we all slip off the healthy food wagon from time to time. I'll bet you won't look so longingly at a pretzel again for a while. The trouble is that no matter what we know about what's in the junk food, they make it taste so darn good. I can go for months staying away from all processed foods, but let me have a bite, and I'm sunk - I want to eat everything sugary and salty I can get my hands on. Glad you survived the attack!

Brenda said...

Very funny ... um, I mean tragic! My mistake yesterday was in eating popcorn after a visit to the dentist. This, also, is not be be advised!

liza said...

i had to laugh too, sorry ;)

Sue said...

Death by pretzels! That's one way to stop a craving.

jackstowe said...

You are absolutely right... do not swallow your pretzels without chewing finely. That's dangerous! Yeah, I learned. LOL! Nice read.

Skip Kanester said...

Hey Mike,
I just got back from a quick getaway at a hotel where I was doing the same thing! Thankfully I escaped this time without any bloodshed but because of your post, I have seen the light brother!
You have a great writing style. Love your posts man, keep 'em coming!
Skip