Thursday, March 12, 2009

You're Doing What, Mom?

I just got off the phone with my mom. She lives Back East. She is a recent widow. This past December, my stepfather passed away, and my mom now occupies their large home by herself. While still grieving, she is determined to move on with her life, to persevere, to live life 365, like the website says. Little did I know how determined she is!

Like I said, I just hung up the phone (or, in this age of flip-open cell phones: I snapped it closed and slipped it back into my pocket) after experiencing a rather odd conversation with my mother. Now, more often than not, a conversation with my mom borders on oddness, meanders around the strange, and all too frequently is laced with nonsensical utterances. This one was no exception, except she also added that, a mere three months since the passing of my stepfather, she is “seeing” someone. Not “dating” someone. According to those seventy-something romantics, “seeing” is strictly dining and watching a movie together. While “dating” is something that my fifty-something brain cannot, will not, and refuses to wrap itself around. The bizarre conversation went something like this:

MIKE: Hi, Ma, how are you holding up?

MOM: Oh, fine, just fine…doing better.

MIKE: That’s great. So, what’s new?

MOM: Oh, you know, nothing much. (sounds of fork and knife against dishes and food being masticated)

MIKE: Same here. What are you doing, eating? Want me to call back?

MOM: Oh, no, it’s okay. (whispering sounds away from the phone)

MIKE: Is someone there?

MOM: Huh? (giggle)

MIKE: Ma?

MOM: I’m here…(away from the phone): No, let me get that, Dave (not his real name)

MIKE: Dave?

MOM: Oh, he’s trying to put the dishes away.

MIKE: Huh?

MOM: Huh? (giggle, sounds of dishes clattering, more chewing sounds, and something that may or may not have been a belch)

MIKE: Huh?

MOM: Michael?

MIKE: Ma? What’s going on?

MOM: Oh, you remember Dave? From the neighborhood?

MIKE: Dave? What’s he doing there?

MOM: (away from the phone): Michael says “hi.”

MIKE: Ma?

On and on it went like that, only it got worse, took stranger and weirder turns until my head was spinning like a gyro. Through my dizziness, I finally found the fortitude to say goodbye and hang up. After several minutes of mental Ping-Pong, I debated having my first drink of alcohol since 1993, then opted instead to create this video:



You see, besides my shock at discovering my mom was “seeing” someone less than three months after my stepfather went off to meet his Maker, I was taken aback by her choice of gentleman callers. Not that there is anything wrong with Dave (not his real name); actually, Dave is a great guy. Now. But back in the day, when I was a wild child, a hyperactive menace, an energy-driven sports junkie, I kicked, tossed, hurled, belted, flipped, flew, flung, booted, upchucked, and projectile-vomited every known object of recreational activity—baseball, bat, glove, Frisbee, tennis ball, football, badminton racket, golf club, shuttlecock, and kickball—into our neighbor’s fenced-in backyard…into our neighbor Dave’s (not his real name) yard. And do you know what Dave did? Hmmm?

HE KEPT THEM! ALL OF THEM! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!

Today, as a moderately mature adult, I can certainly understand where Dave (still not his real name) was coming from. Who would want some snot-nosed brat shucking and shoveling every ball or sports equipment known to man into his backyard? Not me, now! And certainly not Dave, then!

But as a kid, an athletic kid who adored sports and wanted nothing more than to run wild in his yard playing make-believe Red Sox games in which he was at bat in the bottom of the ninth with the winning runs on base, I was devastated. And out a lot of balls. But I got better, got over it, moved on, actually forgot about it as the decades came and went and the balls of my youthful dreams evolved into balls that, in the name of good taste, shall remain nameless.

And don’t even get me started on the differences between “seeing” someone and actually “dating” them. To quote my mother:

“Oh, no, Michael, we’re just friends, it will never come to that, and he understands that.”

Me: “Ma, come on, he’s a man, even if he’s in his seventies, he is a man and men would much rather ‘date’ someone that merely ‘see’ them.”

Leading me to this conclusion: what can ya do? I mean, she’s a grown woman who knows, for the most part, what she’s doing. If she wants to “see” the guy who used to steal my balls, then God bless her. It’s better than “dating” the guy who used to steal my balls, I guess.

But do me one favor, huh, Ma? As this “seeing” eventually evolves into “dating,” and that morphs into something I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE!...can you do me one big favor? Huh?

Can you ask Dave (okay, really, not his real name…not even close) if he still has my balls? And if he does, can I have them back?


Until next time…

peace,

Mike

34 comments:

LisaNewton said...

I know how it is when your mom starts dating, but fortunately, my mom never dated a ball stealer.

But, she did used to date a guy named "Harry Thigh" (not his real name.............)

skwguitar said...

oi vey. Nice article though, very well written.

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

I think that's mean when people keep kids' stuff if it goes in their yard. How hard is it to just toss it back? People get riled up over some inconsequential stuff sometimes. We used to have a crabble puss neighbor like that too!

Butler and Bagman said...

Come on, Sigmund! The guy who used to steal your balls?

Tom Rooney said...

I can relate to the guy that kept all the sports stuff that flew into his yard, but I don't have a concept of my mother seeing another guy. She's eighty five and I'm sure my father would object. But if she did fool around I would not like it to be to the mean guy that wouldn't give the ball back.

Emm said...

Mike, your Mum's a grown woman, she can date who she pl... oh my gosh! He kept all of your balls??? How dare she?! :o)

Martin In Bulgaria said...

Enjoyed your view of things Mike. But be strange for you as things stand.
God Bless

Fruitfulvine2 said...

That was funny. Thanks for bringing a chuckle to my Friday. Enjoy the weekend.

Sagan said...

Heh I wonder if he has amassed a gigantic collection from all the kids that used to kick stuff in his yard. I bet there's a GOLDMINE playground in his house!

Mike Foster said...

lisa: you sure that's not his real name?

skwguitar: oi vey is right...

karen: my new phrase for today is: "crabble puss"

butler and bagman: is does sound rather Freudian, huh?

tom: he was never mean, in fact, i think it was more his wife's doing...oh, well...

emm: what can one son do?

martin: strange is my middle name...

fruitfulvine2: chuckles are hard to come by these days, glad i could help...

sagan: i bet there is too, unless he sold them all on ebay...


peace,

mike

Andrea said...

As someone who was privy to my mom's seeing/dating the the time I was about 12, I can so appreciate the strangeness of your experience. Very funny post. I think you should be the one to ask for your balls back though. :-)

Natural said...

okay that might be a strange conversation, but hey, mom's not out of the game yet. she needs company too. :)

rillys said...

huhuhu...nice

heidi said...

OH my! You make me laugh and laugh and laugh because I know just howyou feel!!! It is unusual and kind of uncomfortable. Great video!

jacqueline said...

Oh my, how could she do this to you? After all, doesn't she know you've suffered enough. How can you face him after all these years without having a desire to punch him.

Funny. Enjoyed the read. HA!

dharlz said...

I'm a single mom and my daughter is 3... she was teh one who told me to "buy" (my daughter's vocabulary meaning get a new one)a new daddy so i wont have to cry anymore...

I wonder how she would react if that exact scenario ever happens...lol...

God bless Mike...

Anna said...

Funny! I can understand, though. My mom was single from the time I was 16 until I was 32 and I heard more about her dates or the men she was "seeing" than I ever wanted to! She did remarry and was very happy with him for seven years before we lost her. She was only 60...so cherish these moments, as embarrassing as they may be, with your mom! :)

[S]itie [B]Um [B]Um said...

i miss my mom

suZen said...

Maybe you should have gotten those balls back before they became old balls or worse still, Dave's balls.

HealthNutWannabeDad said...

Mike,

I grew up a sports junkie too. And our concrete drive way, which we used for a basketball court, ran alongside the fence of our neighbor.

More than once, after a 3 point shot gone awry, our basketball would bounce over that blasted fence. And since there was a mean dog back there, would could not retrieve our ball! On top of that, the dang neighbor would not throw it back over!

He even called the cops on us more than once, for disturbing his sleep, when my brother and I would play a late night game of one-on-one.

Sigh.

Hope you get your balls back from (not his real name) Dave. We certainly never did get back our basketballs.

Paul

Eat Well. Live Well.
ER BurnTheFat.com
PurpleGreenPops.com

L. Venkata Subramaniam said...

ha ha ball stealer! Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Now is your turn to get back at him. Hope your head is buzzing with ideas :)

Mike Foster said...

andrea: somebody's gotta get those balls back...

natural: mom is most certainly still in the game...

rillys: huhuhu...thanks...

heidi: "unusual and kind of uncomfortable..." sounds like my sex life.

jacqueline: i could never punch this guy; honestly, he's a good guy, just a ball hog

dharlz: wow, i like the concept: "buying" new dads/mom/kids/partners/bosses...the list is endless

anna: very touching, and I do cherish them, especially since i lost my dad...

sbb: i miss my hair

suzen: i don't wanna even think about dave's (not his real name) balls...


healthnutwannabepaul: aren't neighbors the greatest? and i bet you had you share of three-pointers going awry...


l.venkata: i think "seeing" my mom may be punishment enough...(just kidding)


thanks for all the wonderful comments...

peace,

mike

I am considering a Social Networking Blues contest in the coming weeks, would welcome feedback on the idea...

Lisa said...

LOL!! I am sitting here cracking up reading this post. Mike you're hilarious. I wanna be just like Ma when I grow up! :)

Christopher M said...

LOL at the Bostonian accent of your " MAH " I cracked up LOL

- Christopher

http://life-accordingtochristopher.blogspot.com/

The Fitness Diva said...

The double entendre is killing me! LMAO~!

Great story! :)

Mike Foster said...

lisa: she is a cool lady, if i do say so myself...

christopher: i grew up listening to that accent...every day...

diva: sometimes ya gotta read between the lines...


peace,

mike

lanne said...

This post is PRICELESS! I laughed until I dried. Thanks for brightening an otherwise crappy day with your story.

Eusebia said...

You love your mum, right? You want to see her happy, right? Then accept the fact that this ball stealer is keeping her company when she needs it most(three months after your step dad passed away) and by so doing making her not concentrate on the grief of loosing her husband. The ball stealer is making her happy and just forgive and forget his ball stealing during your childhood and appreciate the relationship developing between him and your mum.

Mike Foster said...

lanne: glad to help with the crappiness of your day...hope today brings less crap...

eusebia: i totally agree; just happy my mom is happy...as for the ball stealer...hmmm, where are my balls, huh, man?


peace,

mike

Sandi said...

I absolutely LOVE your facial expressions in those pics. You do them so well! haha

Dori said...

I loved reading this story Mike :-)

doi said...

hehehe...this post amused me. you're funny mike, being overprotective of your Ma and all.. hehehe.. i hope everything works well with you, your mom, Dave and your balls. :-)

Mike Foster said...

sandi: those facial expressions have gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years...

dori: thanks a bunch!

doi: my mom can take care of herself, as for Dave and my balls...? that's another story...


peace,

mike

Webbielady said...

Your mom rocks! My advise to Mike? Forget about the ball stealing.. That was past.. Just wish he is not a "ball breaker! "