Sunday, October 21, 2012

Oceanfront Condo Etiquette

I have been enjoying my island stay at the timeshare condo my wife and I are fortunate enough to have on the scenic island of Maui.  While it has been another wonderful vacation away from it all, it always is a transition, for me at least, in the ways of the condo and connected-wall-community.  I live on a few acres in a house with neighbors scattered to and fro, sometimes inflicting their will (and ridiculously barking dogs and screaming children) on my tranquility, but nothing like existing side-by-side with neighbors, literally, breathing down your neck.

So, here are my rules of condo etiquette…more to the point:

Rules of Oceanside Condo Etiquette

1. Shut up!  If for some unknown reason you think that your voice is more important and compelling and needs to be heard over the soothing and meditative roar of the ocean, you need to visit a doctor specializing in mental health.  Again, for those hard of hearing or just challenged because your nasal twang of ignorance is imbedded in their ear, SHUT UP!

2. Shut up!  If for some reason you didn’t understand the above rule, I must reiterate that you need to stop talking.  And really, really stop talking so loud as to permeate my lanai.  If you really need to express yourself with loud adjectives and inane adverbs, do so in the rear bowels of your condo, with the hope that your piercing and annoying voice still does not penetrate and violate those of us sitting and reading in hopeful quietude.

3. Again, Shut the Frig up!  Do you really think that you need to discuss your so important business on your smart phone on your lanai?  Utilizing the speaker phone?  So all of us losers can understand how important you are with a nod toward how truly tiny your miniscule penis must be?  Come on, Mister CEO, do us all a favor and shove that cell up your butt and relax and enjoy the scenery.

4. This may sound redundant, but: SHUT UP!!      Do you really need to stand on the grass and yell up three floors to your significant other discussing what he/she needs to do next on this gradually turning to hell vacation?  Really?  Or you, Mister douchbag on the top floor lanai, screaming down to your spouse what coral reefs appear best for snorkeling?  If I have not been clear before, may I just now suggest shutting the hell up?

5. And for those that are hearing impaired (not that there’s anything wrong with that), ahem, please shut up?  Your loud and obnoxious soirĂ©e beside the barbeque, with the booze and screaming and oh, so, frigging funny jokes, is meant for few others to enjoy…meaning - ONLY YOU!  No one else gives a rat’s ass about any of your banal word play or endless meandering stories…so, please, for all of us…shut the hell up!

There are other rules, most as obvious as a zit on the tip of your nose, like:

  •     Your kid is not as cute as you think it is, so try to refrain from allowing it to act like a monkey
  •     don’t smoke…anywhere!!!
  •     don’t slam your door
  •     Just because you can’t sleep, giving that your ten hour time difference is running havoc with your inner clock, do not think we all want to hear your b.s. at five a.m.
  •     Your perfume is not as alluring as you may think it is, so stop sharing it with us
  •     Put more clothes on
  •     Turn your TV off - is anything on that idiot box more interesting than what’s outside your window?  If you answer yes to the above, jump off your lanai, please.

So, while this was a tough love Foster livelife365 post, it was done with humor and satire in mind.  But also with a message to all you clueless and selfish folks out there that think your little slice of the world is more important than the rest of ours is…to you people I suggest:


And enjoying the moment, your life, and the fact that you can afford an Oceanside condo to misbehave in.

Until next time…